Q&A: Two moms on what being a foster parent is really like
Brenda and Stacey talk about the love, laughs, tears and some sleepless nights they shared as foster parents
Left to right: Stacey, Wahnita, Brenda.
Stacey and Brenda were foster parents to Wahnita, a participant in our Youth Transitioning to Adult program, when she entered foster care at eight years old. They continued to care for Wahnita until she was 17.
“Give me a firm place to stand, and I will move the world.” - Archimedes
Being a foster parent can be one of the most difficult and rewarding experiences. Former foster parents Brenda and Stacey know this full well after journeying together through all the ups and downs, especially as a lesbian couple. In addition to the usual growing pains of foster parents, they faced discrimination, backlash, and stares. However, that did not stop Brenda and Stacey from opening their home, their heart and their family to children who needed them.
Justin Craft saw this impact firsthand when he worked with Wahnita, one of Brenda and Stacey’s foster children in the Youth Transitioning to Adulthood program.
“For youth who enter foster care, having even just one person believe in them can change their life,” Justin says.
After 11 years and nine foster children, including Wahnita from age eight to 17 and with whom they still stay in contact daily, Brenda and Stacy are now retired from fostering and get to enjoy seeing the difference they made for the children who were in their care.
In a Q&A conversation with Justin, Stacey and Brenda share their honest experiences and insights on what it’s like to be foster parents.
“For youth who enter foster care, having even just one person believe in them can change their life.”
What made the two of you decide to foster? Were you both immediately on board?
Brenda & Stacey: We always wanted to raise children. Stacey was not thrilled about the prospect of babies. One day, Stacey suggested they foster older children, which had never occurred to Brenda. Immediately, it felt like the right thing to do.
What experience did you have with fostering?
Brenda & Stacey: Stacey had an uncle and aunt who fostered when she was growing up. She was able to see how their family worked. Brenda had no experience.
How did your respective family and friends take the news when you told them you were going to foster?
Brenda & Stacey: Reactions from family and friends varied from amusement, disbelief, dismissal and finally acceptance. Because we are a lesbian couple, more religious family members had trouble seeing us as a family. It seemed to us that most felt it was a phase we would “get over”.
After the initial surprise at our decision to foster, many of our friends and family supported us, from helping to babysit, coming to family dinners, and providing valuable in-person and phone support. We brought our foster kids to family weddings and birthday parties.
How did you navigate between having careers and fostering?
Brenda & Stacey: We jokingly called it “Tag-Team”. Stacey worked shift work as a paramedic on the ambulance and then was promoted to a managerial position in 911 communications. Brenda worked part-time for the police service from a home office. When Stacey worked shift work, Brenda took care of the home and kids. When Stacey was on days off, she gave Brenda a break by taking on household chore and childcare. It was a team effort.
What were some of the highlights of fostering? What are some of the things that stand out?
Brenda & Stacey: One of Brenda’s lifetime achievements was teaching the kids to ride a bike. At eight and ten years old, they had never been given a chance to learn, and there was a great deal of anxiety wrapped up in this. There were many hiccups and meltdowns and modifications to bicycles. It was truly exhilarating and gratifying to finally watch them pedal on their own down our back alley.
Some of the kids we fostered had not been exposed to many things outside their home. We took them everywhere and it was fun to watch them take in new experiences. Even trips to the grocery store were like going to Disneyland.
A particular joy was when we walked into a Starbucks and were served by a former foster child all grown up. What a wonderful relief to know that she was okay and to see the look of recognition and happiness on her face when she saw us. Another highlight was seeing our foster daughter (Wahnita) graduate high school and go on to college. To see the kids, have the confidence and skills you taught them.
What were some of the challenges of fostering?
Brenda & Stacey: No sleep and saying goodbye to a clean and uncluttered house. If you foster girls, be prepared to deal with glitter literally everywhere. You better learn how to do little girls’ braids.
Parenting kids with trauma is both physically and mentally hard. Some things they experienced or disclosed to us were heartbreaking, tragic and sometimes horrific.
As a same sex couple, did you find that there were additional challenges you faced becoming and being foster parents?
Brenda & Stacey: We were asked a lot of questions which one of us went to work, which one stayed home, which one cooked, etc. It seemed they could not wrap their heads around how a relationship or home would work outside of traditional heterosexual roles.
The kids told us about this and wondered what the big deal was. They said they told the worker they didn’t care as long as we were nice.
What is one piece of advice you wish someone told you before fostering?
Brenda & Stacey: Make sure there is time to relax and decompress between fun activities. Kids in stressful situations need this more than we realized, and it would have saved a lot of meltdowns.
Any last closing thoughts?
Brenda & Stacey: Is fostering hard? It’s so hard and so easy at the same time. It will challenge your values, your skills, your emotional happiness.
If we went back in time, would we do it again? Absolutely. We would do it all again just to see that spark in a child’s eyes, that moment when they know you see them for who they truly are. They’re funny and smart and nice and they matter.
To learn more information about Foster Care, contact Justin Craft at jcraft@growwithtrellis.ca or 403-630-2911