How a determined mother escaped abuse and made it to safety
“It’s my turn to show them that I can”
Names have been changed due to confidentiality.
“Mama, can you read the book to me?” asked Cathy’s frightened three-year-old daughter. The two of them were huddled together in the spare room of their basement as angry shouts thundered over them. It was all they could do to hide from Cathy’s partner, whose rage would explode in erratic episodes.
“Mama, you need to read louder, it’s not stopping!”
Life hadn’t always been this way. When Cathy met Seth a few years earlier, he was in a good place. Seth had been diagnosed with several mental health disorders but took medication to help him manage. After their daughter was born, however, things started to spiral. Seth stopped taking his medication and began to lash out more.
Cathy felt like she was always walking on eggshells, unsure of what would set Seth off. Even the slightest thing, like the way she said good morning, could lead to an outburst that consumed the entire day. Seth’s anger controlled Cathy’s life and trapped her further in their relationship when he didn’t allow her to work.
There were times when Seth’s mood would start to improve, but it wasn’t long before he fell back into abusive behaviour towards Cathy or, at times, himself.
“I kept telling my daughter, ‘I’m going to get us out. I’m going to get us to a safe place, I promise you. It may not be right now, but I’m going to get us out,” Cathy says.
“That was my last straw. I’m no longer going to be scared anymore, because if this is where the road is leading, nobody’s going to come out of this. Nobody.”
The yelling still hadn’t stopped when Cathy eventually went back upstairs. Her daughter was close by her side, and as they passed Seth, he spit in Cathy’s face. “That was my last straw,” Cathy says. “I said I’m no longer going to be scared anymore, because if this is where the road is leading, nobody’s going to come out of this. Nobody.”
On the clock
Cathy had no plans for where she would go. All she knew was that she would do everything she could to keep her daughter safe. When she told Seth they were leaving, he gave her only two weeks to get out of the house as a tactic to force her to stay.
“Two weeks is all I need,” she said.
A friend on holiday offered their place as a safe house while Cathy looked for somewhere permanent to stay. As Cathy hurried to pack up their things, Seth called Cathy a terrible mother who would never get anywhere. His insults had always caused Cathy to shut down or hide, but this time was different.
“There was not one moment where I wanted to throw in the towel. It just kept pushing me and pushing me. I needed to get out of there as fast as I could.”
Cathy started searching for as many resources as she could find, making phone call after phone call. With no job or money saved, her options were limited. She wanted to protect her daughter from having to stay at a shelter, but she couldn’t afford anything that was more stable.
It wasn’t until she talked to a friend that Cathy learned about Trellis. She had never heard of us before, but she was willing to take whatever help she could get. Shortly after contacting us, Cathy arranged her first meeting with Christina from Home Stay, a Trellis program that helps prevent and divert families from homelessness.
Cathy recounts the day they sat down together at the kitchen table. With her daughter on her lap, Cathy opened up about her situation. She shared that she knew what she needed, but she wasn’t sure how to get there.
“I told her right now the only things that need to get done is I need time to find a place, I need to get my daughter in daycare and I need to get a job. Right now, I have nothing lined up.”
Christina listened and assured her that everything would be okay. Together they mapped out the next steps for Cathy to reach her goals, the most pressing of which was finding a place to live.
Christina helped Cathy apply for a subsidy with Calgary Housing and wrote her a letter of support. While they waited for a response, Cathy started searching for rentals. The process was “exhausting and depressing”, but she eventually found an apartment that she loved. The best part was that it was right across the street from a daycare! Cathy was thrilled when her rental application was approved and shared the news with Christina, who was ready to help.
“When I told Christina, she was like, ‘What do you need? Let’s get it done!’”
“Telling Christina what my troubles were, how I’m feeling… She was there to actually listen and help with stuff that I didn’t even know I needed help with.””
They went through the paperwork together, and Christina provided a subsidy for the security deposit and the first few months of rent. She also supported with moving expenses and offered to help Cathy with any food, clothing, or furniture she needed so that she and her daughter were comfortable. All of this was a huge help to Cathy as it gave her the breathing room to focus on her goals.
Around this time, Cathy suffered the heartbreaking loss of her mother after a hard battle with cancer. Cathy believes her mother was finally able to rest when she told her she had left her previous relationship and she was safe.
During their regular check-in, Christina asked her what she needed. Cathy thought about it and said she would benefit from counselling. Christina then went and found her a counsellor, much to Cathy’s surprise.
“I didn’t even know that there was support for any of what I’ve been through. Telling Christina what my troubles were, how I’m feeling… She was there to actually listen and help with stuff that I didn’t even know I needed help with.”
“You’re going to get somewhere”
Cathy continued looking for work and followed up on the employment resources that Christina recommended. She was determined but securing a job during a pandemic proved to be difficult. After a while she began to feel discouraged.
When she told Christina that she was working as hard as she could but just wasn’t getting anywhere, Christina’s response was exactly what she needed to hear.
“She assured me, ‘You’re moving in the right direction. It’s going to take time. You just need to keep your head down and keep moving like you’re doing because you’re going to get somewhere.’ Her words helped me immensely when I didn’t believe in myself.”
Cathy did keep moving forward, and this past November she secured a full-time job in administration. More good news came when Cathy’s application for the subsidy with Calgary Housing was approved.
Standing across from each other in Cathy’s kitchen, Christina exclaimed, “You did it!”
From night to day
“From where I was a year ago to now, it’s night and day. I’m happy. I can go to sleep and wake up without fear. I’m not walking on eggshells anymore. I could never and will never go back.”
Over the span of a few months, Cathy experienced tremendous challenges and pushed herself beyond what she thought she was capable of. Her hard work was worth it to see her family thriving. Cathy’s daughter loves the daycare by their apartment and can already spell and read on her own. She is free to enjoy her childhood where it is peaceful and safe.
As for Cathy, she can say with confidence that “life is very good”.
“From where I was a year ago to now, it’s night and day. I’m happy. I can go to sleep and wake up without fear. I’m not walking on eggshells anymore. I could never and will never go back.
Making new goals is on the list of things to do, because all my old ones are complete, and that’s a really good feeling. I’m taking courses and trying to better myself now. I was told for a long time that I couldn’t so now it’s my turn to show them that I can.
My biggest advice for others is to reach out. There are a lot of resources that may not be right in front of you, but they are there. And if people are trying to help you in a positive way, you take that help and you learn everything you have to learn.
If I didn’t have Trellis, I don’t know where I’d be. But luckily, I don’t have to think like that. I just hope that other people in my situation get the help and the experience that I did. Any time Christina offered help that would benefit me or my daughter, I just said yes. And I’m forever grateful and thankful that we can breathe.”